Am I enough?

Me - the mother of four... not to mention a wife.

A child of God, most importantly.

 

But, am I enough?

 

I look around.  I literally stepped on dirty clothes in front of "Mount Washmore" tonight as I started a load of laundry.  Just a year ago, it wasn't this way.  I had it "all together."

 

Did I have another baby?  No.  Was I working then?  Yes.  What changed?  I don't know.

 

I was stressing all the time - me and everyone around me that everything had to be just perfect.   You see, years ago I had a VERY messy house.  I made the decision that was NOT going to happen with "ME" again.  Yeah well -- I'm eating my words.

 

There are dishes in the sink... oh but let's not stop there - there are dishes on the counter beside the sink needing washed. 

 

I'm tired.  I passed yet another kidney stone last night.  But is that the reason the house is so messy?  NO!  It was messy BEFORE I got the kidney stone.

 

The Christmas tree AND decorations are STILL up.

 

Am I enough?

 

Deep breath.  Well, here's what I know - I'm God's child.  He loves me even at my worst.  I can't compare my life to all of those who at least SEEM to have it all together.  I've been in homes messier than mine is at this moment but I've FOR SURE been in many more that were much cleaner.  I have precious children.  They make BIG messes.  I make messes and so does my hubby.  We are LIVING LIFE. 

 

We have little money but we are making it.  My children obviously have enough clothing that "Mount Washmore" can exist and I can still lay out clothes for tomorrow.  I have to say we are BLESSED.  My husband and I work hard.  We love God, each other and our children FIERCELY.  My hubby is sick.  He's been sick.  Yet he carries on.  Just like tonight - cooking dinner.

 

I don't feel so great about myself tonight.  If you knocked on my door, I would not let you in.  I'd smile and say it was not a good time for visitors.

 

So what do I do?  Well, I guess I start with doing what I can as I can and not stressing myself or everyone else in the home about the messiness.  So is that enough?  Well, it's all I can do.

 

I'm hurting.  Once you pass a kidney stone, your kidneys and everything else are simply torn up from that little "cocklebur" looking thing having bounced around all in there and then passing through.  OUCH!  I have no pain meds because I passed it at home.  I went to my doctor today and because I passed it already - he can not give me anything at all to take and the ibuprofen isn't cutting it.  I'm doing the best I can... or am I?  I guess I always feel I need to do a little more.

 

Let's go back a year.  The house was almost always company ready.  It was clean, the laundry NEVER had more than one load and it was washed immediately.  OCD was in full effect.  I couldn't stand for the kids to make a mess without me saying again and again, "you know that has to be put back up perfectly when you are finished."  I'm sure that did not excite them in their creativity as I kept reminding them.  Sometimes I saw them just put it away... not even continuing to play.  Were we happy?  I thought so... but no.

 

We were living in "my little perfect world" I was trying so hard to create.

 

NOT GOOD.

 

So I share this to say - Moms - you ARE enough.  If your house is a mess but your children are happy and your family is in harmony with Jesus.  Be content.  Don't beat yourself up.  One day our children are going to grow up and all we will have to "clean up after" is ourselves and our hubbies.  That will be much more simple but much less fulfilling I think.

 

So let it go.  Just breathe.  Give yourself a break and do what you can, when you can, as you can.  Don't stress everyone in the house out about it all.  Let your children be children.  They grow up far too fast.  Let them see it's perfectly okay and normal not to have everything perfect.  Don't set them up to have the standard of everything being "just so."

 

Breathe.  Tomorrow will come and you can do more...

..... so can I.