Sharing my heart's desire with You.

My heart is heavy.

I set out to be this amazing stay at home mommy and wife.  Gosh I sucked.  I won't even go there.  I'll jump to NOW.

My heart's desire:  To COOK for my family which I never learned how.  My mother never cooked so I never learned how.  I'm not sure where to star but...  I need to make that a big priority.  I wanted to rise early and have SOME FORM of breakfast on the table for my children.  At this time in my life there is no money  to make breakfast especially when they get a free meal at school and arrive in time.  BUT... my heart's desire is to have SOMETHING wholesome on the table and PRAYER before they head off into the world to face the day.  To give GOD my first fruits each morning while exhausted.  I have to learn to sleep better..getting in bed at an hour where I can wake up and serve them.  When I was with * the last year I DID get up and make breakfast for him at 5:30 a.m. DAILY even when I DID NOT WANT TO.  But I wasn't working at the time.

My heart's desire is to BE THERE.  BE HERE.  To be at their activities the way I longed for my mother to be.  To hold them when they are sick and clean up their puke and make them feel loved, cherished and help them get better EVEN if it means being up all night and having to have a nap the next day as they nap sickly.  I want to be PRESENT in their lives.. not always chasing the next thing.  Not always looking for the next way to GIVE THEM MORE STUFF.  I want to be the mother that I want them to become and the BEST and ONLY way I can help with that is to BE THAT FOR THEM.  and YES, my heart LONGS to be that for them.

I want to serve Kenny as a wife.  I want him along side the girls to have a clean home, good food he doesn't always have to cook... and clean clothes always waiting for him.  I want to pray with him and FOR HIM. 

Yes, I do SOME of these things but not nearly all.  I know I'll never be perfect but I want to AT LEAST be a work in progress.  I want them to see a mother/wife with a SERVANT'S heart.  I want to be a MARY - not MARTHA from the Bible and part of that comes with PREPARING AHEAD.  

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this but I just needed to.  I needed you to know my heart.  I needed to share it.  Somewhere along the last few years I let that fade.  I used to have Proverbs 31 MEMORIZED.  I think verse 10 might be where it starts about being a wife.  I memorized all of that.  Yet now I will need to memorize it again and that's okay.

I've been cleaning all day and last night and things are looking better and my heart is easing.